Before my visit however, I thought we should get a few things out in the open in order to assure a stress free get together for the both of us.
Just so you know, I will not be bringing any animals to your home. I find it tacky and really quite presumptuous to even think that someone would want to not only entertain me and my snarling bunch of children, but a flea ridden or not flea ridden beast with 4 legs.
Don't get me wrong Thelma, I like my dog. Heck, I even let the fur ball in on certain catastrophic occasions, but I know that you know that I know that you don't care what tricks "Fluffy" can do on any given day. Truth be told, I don't care what tricks "Fluffy" can do. (Unless of course those tricks were to clean the kitchen on a daily basis, in which case I would be totally remiss in NOT bringing "Fluffy" on my visit.)
Having said these things, please understand when I arrive at your home, I would rather be greeted by snotty nosed children carrying buckets of your wash water, than your dog dressed in his best sweater, standing on hind legs juggling your homemade tennis balls. While this may be impressive to some (and by some I mean my children, as well as any number of producers from that "Animal Planet" network) I for one could care less.
It is a great pet peeve of mine to witness dogs doing anything other than being dogs. I would rather see a dog lick himself for 3.25 hours, than to see him carefully walk the balance beam in your yard while doing back flips and drinking a soda. Really, its quite absurd.
If your regard for you pets is anything other than a protector of your home and a little play thing for the children, please let me know now so that I might prepare my heart and my excuses for an early departure.
I promise, that would be better for our renewed friendship.
Sincerely,
Louise
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